Game of Toilets Thrones Gone Wild Parody
by Lord Eatturd Fark
Summary: In mankind's long forgotten epoch, probably after the Pleistocene glaciation, jesters and dominatrices, midgets and choir boys struggle to control a toilet. Some fight with toilet pumps, others with craft.


**Game of Toilets - Thrones Gone Wild - Parody**

Please leave a review, I am curious what you think of my work.

LEGAL

Any resemblances to real persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental in this work of fiction. Any resemblances to fictional characters are intentionally parodic.

This book has not been prepared, authorized, licensed, approved or endorsed by any person or entity involved in creating or producing any of the Song of Ice and Fire Books, including Game of Thrones, or their televised versions.

All Rights Reserved 2012

FOREWORD

In mankind's long forgotten epoch, probably after the Pleistocene glaciation, jesters and dominatrices, midgets and choir boys struggle to control a toilet. Some fight with toilet pumps, others with craft. Meanwhile, some loonies prepare an army of the constipated to march south and a bit to the east to ravage the kingdoms. Lord Eatturd Fark will do everything in his powers to stop those threatening peace in the Hundred and Twenty Nine Kingdoms

PROLOGUE

"I want to go back," Gerd whined as the woods darkened around them. "The darlings are constipated."

"Do the constipated frighten you?" Ser Gaymar Boyce asked with a cute smile.

Gerd , an old man, past ninety, and had seen enough said: "Constipated is constipated, and we have no business with the constipated."

"Are they constipated?" Boyce asked coyly. "What proof have we?"

"Bill saw them," Gerd said. "If he says they are constipated, that's proof enough for me."

Bill nodded with approval "My mother told me that constipated men sing no songs."

"My wet nurse said the same thing, Bill," Boyce replied. "Never believe anything you hear at a woman's tit. There are things to be learned even from the constipated ." His voice echoed, too loud in the twilit forest.

"We have a long ride before us," Gerd pointed out. "Eight days, maybe nine. And night is falling." Gerd, a veteran of the Brown Watch, with over 70 years of fighting sensed that something was different tonight. There was an edge to this darkness that made his adrenaline levels rise. Nine days they had been riding, north and northwest and then north again, then a little east, then again north, probably a bit west as well along the way. Each day had been worse than the day that had come before it. Today was the worst of all. Incredibly bad. Seriously. A wind blowing out of the north brought a disgusting sewer stench, and it made the trees look dead.

Ser Gaymar Boyce glanced at the sky with disinterest. As the men continued their chatter the twilight slowly deepened. The cloudless sky turned a deep purple, the color of an old bruise, then faded to black. The stars began to come out. A half-moon rose. A black hole swallowed a galaxy far away, and two asteroids collided in the rings of the Saturn.

All of a sudden Gerd and Bill realized they are by themselves and Gaymar was nowhere to be seen. They jumped off their mules and frantically began shouting and calling Gaymar. Gerd nervously tapped his belt looking for his walkie talkie, and as soon as he found it he immediately turned it on and called HQ: "This is Brown Watch unit 4, we have an emergency situation. Need immediate backup." As there was no response from the radio, and their yells disappeared in the deep forest, Bill started getting a nervous breakdown. Since his childhood, he had a strange habit of singing out loud when he panicked. Gerd knew this and tried to calm Bill, grabbing his hand: "Billy, it's ok. It's me Gerd, look at me. I am here with you. Just put your arms around me." Bill was mortified, and unconsciously his lips started singing:

"Hosannah in the highest..". Gerd silenced him by putting his hand over his mouth.

The next moment they heard desperate screaming from the ridge ahead of them, and they recognized the voice of Gaymar. Bill and Gerd started running towards the source but they stopped in their tracks, terrified, when they saw a nearly naked Gaymar running towards them. He only had his boxers on, and it was pulled all the way up to his shoulders. The darlings gave him a giant wedgie.

Gaymar's shriek cut through the ridge: "Heeelppp, the constipaaateeed are coommmminnggg".

Gerd and Bill immediately wetted their diapers in fear, turned and started running in front of Gaymar.

1. TRAN

They set forth at daybreak to see a man brought to justice. Tran, for the first time, had been deemed old enough to go with his lord papa and his brothers to see the king's justice done. Tran really wanted to fit in and he was eager to seem more studly and well hung, so he put a cucumber in his pants, and did 50 pushups so the plasma filled his pectorals. It was the ninth year of summer, the seventh of Tran's life, the third since he started walking, and the second since he hit puberty.

Snob, one of Tran's older brother, thought the man was a darling, sworn to Pants Raider, the King beyond-the-Wall. It made Tran's skin prickle, and his anus convulse once due to the excitement. But the man they found at the wall awaiting the king's justice was no darling, just an old and scrawny man, not much taller than Snob. He claimed he had lost one of his testicles after the darling gave him a huge wedgie.

The fart of man and horse mingled, steaming, in the cold morning air as his lord papa had the man cut down from the wall and dragged before them. Snob and John sat tall and still on their horses, with Tran between them on his pony, trying to seem older than seven, trying to pretend that he can control his bowel movements in such stressful situations.

Tran's father sat on his horse by himself,and his long brown hair stirred in the wind, and the air spread the scent of coconut shampoo. His closely trimmed beard was fixated with some white gel on it, making him look older than his thirty-five years. His eyelash extensions were colored grey to make him look like a tough guy. He had taken off Papa's face, Tran thought, and donned the face of Lord Fark of FingerGel.

There was a Q&A session with the man, but afterward Tran could not recall much of what had been said. Finally his lord father talked to his guardsmen: "Sorry guys for bothering, could you bring that man to the square?" The guards continued to chat for a few more seconds, and then they dragged the ragged man to the ironwood stump in the center of the square. Lord Eatturd Fark dismounted and his ward Peon Gayjoy brought forth the sword. "Size," that sword was called.

It was as wide across as a man's hand, and taller even than Snob, Tran's brother. The blade was pure silicone, and it wiggled as one grabbed it. It had no edge, it was circular in shape, and had a banana like appearance and it had a helmet like top.

His father peeled off his gloves and handed them to Eerie Gospel, the captain of his household guard. He took hold of Size with both hands and said, "In the name of Bobo of the House Kakaison, the First of his Finger Nails, and Second of his Balls, King of the Sandals and some women, Lord of hmm, I forgot which kingdoms, and Destroyer of Hymen, by the word of Eatturd of the House Fark, Lord of FingerGel, I do apologise from you." He put the greatsword down, fell to his knees, held the man's hand with both hands and started kissing it. "I apologise from you because as your inherited Ruler of our territory I failed to create an environment in which you can thrive and grow as an honorable citizen. My kingdom is unsuccessful because the rules I created are punitive and not preventative. I do realize I failed to enable you to become an honorable and happy citizen."

Tran's adopted brother John Blow moved closer. "Keep the mule well in hand," he whispered. "And don't fart. Father will know if you let one rip."

His Father then stood up, and signed a document granting several acres of land to the man, so he could start a new life. Peon Gayjoy found this very amusing, and as he was standing behind his King, Gayjoy gave a friendly kick in the King's butt with a mischievous smile.

After the ceremony has finished they started back and Eatturd asked his son, Tran: "Do you understand why I did it?"

"He was a darling," Tran said. "They carry off women and sell them to the Loonies."

His lord papa smiled. "In truth, I made some mistakes as a King, and a deserter from the Brown Watch can be a gift to our society. I have to make him happy as his King, since he was dissatisfied with our military service. I had to give him the opportunity to live in peace on his land."

As they were riding before them they noticed John and Snob waving and yelling: ""Father, Tran, come quickly, see what Snob has found!"

Eerie Gospel and Peon Gayjoy were the first to reach the boys. Gayjoy was having a good time, but Tran heard his shriek. "Ouch!" he exclaimed, struggling to keep control of his horse as he reached for his sword.

Eerie 's sword was already out. "Snob, get away from it!"

Snob grinned and looked. "She can't hurt you," he said. "She's dead, Eerie ."

By now everybody had dismounted. "What in the 129 hells is it?" Gayjoy was saying.

"A rabbit," Snob told him.

"A mutant," Gayjoy said. "Look at the size of it."

it was the size of it that made Tran gasp. It was bigger than his hamster, nearly as big as the largest dog in his father's kennel.

"It's no mutant," John said calmly. "That's a direrabbit. They grow larger than the other kind."

John discovered 5 baby direrabbits next to the deceased mother rabbit: "Lord Fark, you have five trueborn children," John said. "Three sons, two daughters. The direrabbit is the sigil of your House. Your children were meant to have these kits, my lord. I also found a sixth albino baby direrabbit, I will have that one."

2. SCATLYN

Scatlyn despised meekswood, except the smell of moist earth and decay oozing from its forest, and the gloomy castle in the middle. She knew she would find her husband here tonight and she could spy on him. Whenever he pardoned a man for his sins, afterward he would seek the quiet of the meekswood. Scatlyn on these occasions looked at him in disdain from behind and wondered how can someone be such a sorry ass.

Scatlyn found her husband, Eatturd, seated on a moss-covered stone in the center of the grove, next to a weirdwood. The greatsword Size was across his lap, and he was cleaning the head in those waters black as night.

A thousand years of humus lay thick upon the weirdwood floor, and beneath that the decomposing planktons had formulated crude oil and coal reserves. A few hundred meters deeper some diamonds formulated as well, nearer the inner core of the Earth.

Scatlyn had a plan this time, and perhaps Eatturd might come to like it, so she walked up to him.

He lifted his head to look at her. "Scatlyn," he said. "Where are the children?"

He would always ask her that. "So all of a sudden you care about the children? You just squandered a part of their inheritance. If you really want to know the smallest just pissed himself out of fear. The little bugger." Scatlyn fumed at her husband.

His voice was distant and formal. "The man benefitted well, I'll give him that," Eatturd said. He had a swatch of oiled leather in one hand. Ignoring her wife's anger, he ran it lightly up the greatsword "Size" as he spoke, polishing the silicone to a dark glow. "I was glad for Tran's sake. You would have been proud of Tran. He did not fart at all, not one cubic centimeter."

"Oh Eatturd, you and your desire to please, or should I say fear not to offend? You should encourage our kids to fart as they wish. Also, watching a sentencing is insufficient for earning my pride for him," Scatlyn replied, watching the sword as he stroked it. She could see the strong wiggling of the silicone, where the helmet folded back a bit in the shaft. Scatlyn had no love for swords, but she could not deny that Size had its own beauty. And this so called sword was one of the few things she still liked in her husband. A hope that someday he might live up to it. Size had been forged in Dildia, before the glue had come to the old Peehold, when the silicone makers had worked their casts with spells as well as jelly rubber. Four hundred years old it was, and as thick as the day it was forged. The name it bore was older still, a legacy from the age of studs, when the Farks were Kings in the North.

Eatturd continued: "The poor man had only one testicle left. Something had given him a wedgie so deep that my hands could not reach the second." He sighed. "The day is coming when we have to ride over the wall and give Pants Raider a visit, and give a good spank to his darlings."

Scatlyn's eyes lit up "There are darker things beyond the Wall Eatturd."

Scatlyn quickly regained her composure and mentioned, and with a big smile said: "Eatturd, I have a surprise for you. the Hand of King Bobo is dead." She jumped with joy as she said this, and continued with excitement: "I just received the say he could not keep up with the tempo, the Hand's job was so exhausting. Bobo will come and pay us a visit, I think he wants you to be his next hand."

3. DOMINATRYS

Her brother held the latex suit up. "What a beauty. Touch it. Come on. Caress it a bit please. Oh yes. I can feel it, can you feel it too? Ah, fantastic"

Domy tore the latex suit out of his brother's, Pisserys', hands and reprimanded him: "Silence, you little piss boy. How dare you touch my gift? You will be punished immediately for your insolence."

Pisserys started whining: "Oh please, your mistress, I beg you please not to punish me. I just became so excited seeing this gift from Master Pimpyrio...Also , why does he give us so much? What does he want from us?" For nigh on half a year, they had lived in the master's house, eating his food, pampered by his servants. Domy was thirteen, old enough to know that such gifts seldom come without their price, here in the free city of Mentos.

"Pimpyrio is no fool," Domy said. She was an aggressive young woman with nervous hands and a feverish look. "The Master knows that I will not forget my friends when I make you King."

Domy grabbed Pisserys' blond ponytail: "But first, on your knees piss boy. I get such a nice gift from Master Pimpyrio and you touch it first? I shall make sure you won't be crowned anywhere on this planet." Pisserys cried out: "Nooo, please, I want to be king. I must be king. You know we talked a lot about it and you promised me."

Domy liked to humiliate her brother, and question him aggressively. He was so funny when he threw a tantrum, in turn Pisserys was afraid angering her sister, he called it "waking the cow."

Domy let his hair go and relaxed her voice "I will see how you behave. Now stand up. There. Don't slouch, out with your chest. At least try to look like a man. Go and take off these high heeled-stilettos."

Her brother hung the gown beside the door. Domy continued "My beloved brother, Pimpyrio will send the slaves to bathe me. I will make sure to wash off the stink of the latex.

Khat Druggo has a mule, tonight he looks for a different sort of mount." He studied her admiringly, Domy continued. "I will put on a seethrough to give them a glance of my boobs and booty." Pisserys moved closer, so he could brush Domy's breast lightly. "How dare you touch my nipple slave? You will not fail me tonight. If you do, it will go hard for you. You don't want to wake the cow, do you?" Domy grabbed Pisserys nipples and twisted them, the pinch was cruelly hard through the rough fabric of her tunic. "Do you?" she repeated.

"No," Pisserys said meekly.

Pimpyrio was a good friend of Khat Druggo the leader of the local religious boy choir. Druggo, a street kid, descended into substance abuse, but in one of the drug sessions had an epiphany, so he decided to convert and join the Great Lollion faith. Pisserys and Pimpyrio planned to introduce the two to each other so they can win the hearts and minds of the lands with faith. Pimpyrio arranged for his slaves to come over and give a good bath and an armpit shaving to Domy, so she can make a good impression on Druggo.

The slaves filled her bath with hot milk brought up from the kitchen and scented it with fragrant oils. The girl pulled the rough cotton tunic over Domy's head and helped her into the tub. The milk was scalding hot, but Domynatris did not flinch or cry out. She liked the heat. It made her feel clean. Besides, her brother had often told her that it was never too hot for a Kinkieryens. "Ours is the house of the cow," he would say. "The milk is in our blood."

The slaves told a lot of stories: "Druggo is so poor that he can barely feed himself, but his faith is enormous. He has 20 boys in the choir, and they all share one bed together." There was more like that, so much more, what a midget the Khat was, so short and loud, fearless in singing, the best boy soprano to ever join the local choir. Dominatrys fell quiet. She always assumed that she would wed Pisserys when she came of age.

For centuries the Kinkieryens had married brother to sister, since Fagott the Conqueror had taken his sisters to bride. The line must be kept pure, Pisserys had told her a thousand times; theirs was the kingsblood, the golden blood of old Dildia, the blood of the cow. Cows did not mate with the beasts of the field, and Kinkieryens did not mingle their blood with that of lesser men. Yet now Pisserys schemed to sell her to a stranger, a choir singer.

"Ciao everybody," Master Pimpyrio said, stepping through an archway. He moved with ease for such a massive man. Beneath loose gowns of silk, rolls of fat jiggled as he walked. "May the Lord of Cows shower you with blessings on this most fortunate day, Princess Dominatrys," the magister said as he took her hand. He bowed his head, showing a thin glimpse of crooked yellow teeth through the gold of his beard. "She is a vision, Your Grace, a vision," he told her brother. "Druggo will be mesmerized."

"Isn't she too busty?" Pisserys worried. His hair, the same silver-blond as hers, had been pulled back tightly behind his head and fastened with a cowbone brooch. It was a severe look that emphasized the hard, gaunt lines of his face. He rested his hand on the hilt of the sword that Pimpyrio had lent him, and said, "Are you sure that Khat Druggo likes women?"

"Don't worry, Khat does not mind big boobs, " Pimpyrio told him, not for the first time. "Look at her. That silvergold hair, those purple eyes... she is the blood of old Dildia, no doubt... and highborn, daughter of the old king, sister to the new, she cannot fail to addict our Druggo." When he released her hand, Dominatrys found herself aroused.

"I suppose," her brother said doubtfully. "The choir boys have queer tastes. Boys, mules, sheep..."

"Best not suggest this to Khat Druggo ," Pimpyrio said.

Anger flashed in Domy's eyes. "Do you take my brother for a fool?"

The Master bowed slightly. "I take you as rulers with a big mouth. My apologies if I have given offense." He turned away and clapped his hands for his bearers and they started the wagon towards Druggo's ministry.

"We won't need his whole boy choir, " Domy said. Her fingers toyed with her bra, though Domy never used a bra in earnest, but she did not want to scare away Druggo with her big boobies. "Ten boys, that would be enough, I could convert the 129 Kingdoms with ten boy choir screamers. The realm will rise for its rightful queen."

The wagon slowly stopped as they arrived at the ministry:

Inside, the air was heavy with the scent of mold and feces. They were escorted across the entry hall, where a mosaic of colored glass depicted the Fall of Dildia. Some candles glimmered along the walls. Beneath an arch of twining stone leaves, a boy sang their coming. "Pisserys of the House Kinkieryen, the Third of his Hair" he called in a high, sweet voice, "King of the Sandals and the Last Men, Lord of the 129 Kingdoms and Protector of Virgins. His sister, Dominatrys Stubborn, Princess of Cowstone. His honorable host, Pimpyrio, Master of the Free City of Mentos."

They stepped past the boy, and noticed that many guests were boy choir singers, small men with pale skin, their hair held together in pony tails.

Pimpyrio whispered to them. "Those two are Druggo's lead singers, there," he said. "By the pillar is Khat Moron, with his son Bonobo, and the man behind him is Ser Mormon Bonah."

The last name caught Dominatrys. "A knight?"

"No less." Pimpyrio smiled through his beard. "Anointed with the 129 oils by the High Priest himself."

"What is he doing here?" she blurted.

"King Bobo wanted his head," Pimpyrio told them. "Some trifling affront. He kept some boy slaves and had inappropriate relations with them, instead of giving them to the Brown's Watch. Absurd law. A man should be able to do as he likes with his own chattel."

Master Pimpyrio placed a moist hand on her bare shoulder. "Over there, sweet princess," he whispered, "there is Khat himself."

Domy wanted to slap Pimpyrio for his daringness, but her brother was looking at her, begging her with his eyes. She changed her mind as she did not want to make a scene, yet. Anxiously, she turned and looked at the man Pisserys hoped would ask to wed her before the night was done.

The slave girl had not been far wrong, she thought. Khat Druggo was a head shorter than the shortest boy in the room, a midget, light on his feet, as graceful as a mouse. He was younger than she'd thought, no more than fifteen. His skin was the color of polished aluminum, his thick greasy hair bound with a metal ring.

Her brother took her by the arm as Pimpyrio waddled over to Khat, his fingers squeezing so hard that they hurt. "Do you see his arm, sweet sister?"

Druggo's arm was black as midnight and heavy with all the bandage.

"You see how dark it is?" Pisserys said. "When substance abusers inject themselves their veins explode after a while, so the world will know you're an addict. Khat Druggo's hand was almost amputated, but then he converted after his epiphany. He is Faggott the Cowlord come again, and you will be his queen."

4. EATTURD

A flying saucer descended from the sky, and beamed down King Bobo and his court to the main square. In the court were his wife, Cesspipe Fannyster, and her two brothers, Tinyo and Slimy. Cesspipe Fannyster was delighted with a big smile: "Ahh, these UFOs. That was the best full body cavity search I had in a long time."

Slimy nodded with approval: "I hear you sis, I hear you!" They gave each other a big high five.

King Bobo opened his hands to hug Lord Eatturd, but before he could do so Eatturd fell on his knees, and said with admiration: "My King."

Bobo's eyes grew big "Eatturd, what the hell, you shy?"

Scatlyn gazed up on the sky and sighed. Eatturd all of a sudden started babbling "Mhmm..."

Bobo quickly interrupted "Just joking Eatturd, don't answer.", and the King burst out in laughter. "Let's go down to the crypt, I want to have a word with you, Eatturd. The others can wait up here a bit."

Down in the crypt, Bobo started: "Eatturd, I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, Bobo"

"Remember how much we played together when we were growing up as kids? Your favorite was hide and seek."

"Yes, those were the days Bobo, those were the days."

"Eatturd, why not play one now? The others upstairs can wait a few more minutes. I also have some really cool hiding tricks that a ninja master taught me the past month."

"Alright" - smiled Eatturd - "Let's make it quick, hmm, Ninja Bobo".

Bobo reached into his pockets and he throw on the ground a small ball that generated a column of smoke, and Bobo immediately disappeared. Eatturd has not even turned to start the countdown.

"Bobo? Where are you Ninja Bobo?". Eatturd started looking behind the closest crypt with his father's remains inside. "Hmm, Bobooo, where are youuu?" The crypt was silent, no replies came from anywhere. "Bobo, I am impressed!"

Eatturd now approached his sister's crypt and when he passed by, Bobo jumped up from behind the stone grave: "Peekabooo".

They both bursted out laughing, and sat down on one of the crypts. Bobo sighed: "Eatturd, the reason I came is because I am bored and really miss you my old buddy. I would love to have you near me, so the two of us together can have lots of fun, and protect the Kingdom."

"Bobo, you know, I have family now. Things have changed. We are not those two young studs we were back then."

Bobo stepped behind Eatturd and placed his hand on his shoulders "Eatturd, please. I would love it so much. You seem very tense, let me give you a massage."

"Oh Bobo, you don't have to do this. If this is your wish I will oblige. I promise I will make you happy."

"Ah Eatturd. Let me tell you that sitting on a toilet is a thousand times harder than winning one. Cleaning is a tedious business and changing toilet papers is worse. And the people... there is no end of them. I sit on that damnable wooden toilet and listen to them complain until my mind is numb and my ass is raw. They all want something, money or land or justice. Even my previous Hand, Joy Fartwynd died. One day he was wiping my butt, the next day he was gone. Hope he did not get it from me. Eatturd, let me be straight. I just want to party, to enjoy myself, and to mate. That's it. So, I thought I would make you my Hand, you are a perfect fit for this job. Down at my place the parties rock. I filled up the castle's moat with water and after lunch plenty of blond virgins are swimming around. I get naked and do some tower jumps in the water. Such fun!", Bobo's eyes were sparkling with joy.

"Your Grace," he said. "I am not worthy of the honor."

Bobo groaned with good-humored impatience. "You know the saying, about the king and his Hand?"

Eatturd knew the saying. "What the king shits," he said, "the Hand wipes."


End file.
